It is good to be offended sometimes. How did we decide that offending people is wrong? Who agreed that no one should ever feel insulted? Perhaps it’s because the word offend comes from the Latin offendere, meaning to strike against.1 When I feel disrespected, it can feel like the sting of an openhanded slap.
A good friend who offended me
My friend Ryan recently offended me, and I’m grateful for it. He took me aside after a meeting and recommended a book on self-compassion. My initial response was to feel slighted. Did he mean to tell me I was too hard on myself? That there was something wrong with me?! I went home and downloaded the audio version of the book imagining that I had heard it all before, and it changed my life for the better.
In protecting people from momentary pain, we can leave them wallowing in self-destructive ignorance. So, when a friend is unknowingly heading down a dark path, point out the happier one. Kindness is offensive sometimes, and we could use more genuine kindness. (See my post on influence here if you are wondering what gives you the right to attempt to “help” others.)
Good insults and bad insults
There’s a kind of offensive remark that tears people down and another that enlightens them. Both types hurt but one can spur incremental growth. How can you tell the difference? Cruel-and-offensive statements benefit the speaker at the expense of the recipient. Kind-but-offensive remarks are intended to help the recipient even though the speaker risks straining the relationship.
Unfortunately, it’s often hard to tell if offensive people intend to help us or themselves. Either way, we can benefit from their insults. We can search for elements of truth in their critiques. Surviving unjust criticism can give us the strength to face hardships in the future. We can also evaluate the offensive lies and become more assured of the truth.
How to be good at offending people
Luckily, there are ways to deliver the bad news in such a way that people are more likely to thank you than punch you. Here are a few guidelines on how to lovingly offend people:
- Hold your tongue if you are angry or self-seeking.
- Deliver potentially insulting messages privately – not in front of others.
- Choose your words carefully and consider how you would like to hear such news.
- Affirm that you care for the individual and want the best for them.
- Repeatedly telling someone something they already know is called nagging. Don’t nag.
Why offensive people are often the caring ones
Who cares more for you: the people who refuse to tell you that you have something in between your teeth, or those who give you the hard truth? I find that offensive people are some of the most important in my life. They push me, contradict me, and tease me lovingly. And when they confront my misguided notions and destructive behavior, I progress faster than I would alone.
I recently released a book. It has done better than I thought it would, but I have a sneaking suspicion that some people disagreed with it. Many of those close to me read all or part of the book and then never mentioned it. The result of their kind silence is that I have no idea what these people disliked. I am troubled that I cannot fix what I do not understand.
So, if you read my book or an article you disagree with, challenge me. Show me why I am wrong. Your insights could clarify my ideas and connect us. Your willingness to share the truth will demonstrate you are a true friend and not a gladhanding acquaintance. I want to be offended and could use a few more people in my life – like Ryan – who are willing to tell me the truth.